Have yourself a merry little Christ-mas Ep3/Prince of peace

This is part of a 4-part series "Have yourself a merry little Christ-mas" leading up to Advent.

This year has been a difficult search for peace in my heart. There are days when the restlessness threatens to overtake me or I am simply wrestling with God. Fr Mike blessed me with this video:

He spoke about how supposed tranquility may mean we are not fully engaging with our faith and are comfortable. It felt like a balm on my restless heart - so this "lack of peace" wasn't as gloomy as I made it out to be. In fact, the "peace" I was searching for was not necessarily what came to mind of a tranquil lake with barely a ripple. In fact, this year has been a year of many big "waves" crashing through our lives - peace seemed like the furthest thought from our minds. We talked about a "new normal" and the necessity of accepting disruption as a fact of life. I am thankful to have learned this lesson yet again this year. Life's cyclical nature of learning and relearning the same lessons, but in a different guise cement my understanding of these essential truths. I have struggled with "peace" for much of my life and always had the "Martha" mentality of needing to be busy to feel useful or like I was achieving something with my life. Yet, this year, I've found the much needed stillness and critical perspective to really see things for what they are, to take life a little less seriously and to be "at peace". I've discovered that my worth does not depend on other people's perception of me or what I produce. I've relearned the lesson that "for everything there is a season" and that my concept of time is just an imperfect fragment of the divine plan.

At a time when many of us feel restless or are itching to return to "normal", I have become aware of the beauty of the time we are living through now. It is definitely not something we are used to. In fact, it involves much discomfort and new ways of seeing and doing things. Yet, perhaps this Advent too, as the hustle and bustle of the season dies down, is an invitation from the Lord Himself to seek Him. Fr Jacques Phillipe expresses this beautifully:

The Lord can leave us wanting relative to certain things (sometimes judged indispensable in the eyes of the world), but He never leaves us deprived of what is essential: His presence, His peace and all that is necessary for the complete fulfillment of our lives, according to His plans for us.

Searching for and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treatise on Peace of Heart, Fr Jacques Phillipe

It struck me, what exactly was I searching for? Why was I striving, trying so hard to fit into this narrative of what a Catholic woman should be? Why was I chasing this ideal, why was I moulding myself to fit what people wanted me to be? When all along, His ever abiding presence had never left. He seemed to leave me wanting of certain things in my life and I was questioning Him in prayer - yet I realised that He has never deprived me of the most essential thing of all - His peace! In a time when "essential" has entered everyday usage, I began to see the "essentials" in my own life - which was Him!

And happily we cannot always understand! Otherwise, how would it be possible to allow the Wisdom of God to freely work according to His designs? Where would there be room for confidence? It is true that for many things we would not act as God would act! We would not have chosen the folly of the cross as a means of redemption! But fortunately it is the Wisdom of God and not ours that rules all things, because it is infinitely more powerful and more loving and, above all, more merciful than ours.

Then came the issue of trying to grasp His infinite Wisdom. Here me in my imperfect understanding was trying so hard to understand the will of God in my life and to think I had a better plan in mind. I thought I had a better idea of what was good for me but boy was I proven wrong, time and again. My restless striving stemmed from a lack of interior peace, a refusal to live out the "let God take control" mentality. It is easier to say these words than to live them out of course, and I acknowledge that in my humanity, I have fallen many times. Yet, I still trudge on, for the heart's intention is what He sees - the desire to move from a place of restlessness to a deep peace. In a strange way, I feel that peace permeating my heart as I write this - I don't have it all figured out and life is very uncertain. I don't know what the next month looks like, much less the next few years, but I am sure of one thing - He will be there in the highs and lows, in the confusion and the heartbreak. He will be holding me through it all, the good Father He is! I invite you too, to let Him into these spaces in your heart, so that He can transform you daily from a restless lake to an image of tranquility. I leave you with this beautiful image (yes, also from Fr Jacques Phillipe - you can tell he's a firm favourite of mine at this point!):

In order to understand this, we can use an image (without exaggerating, as we should always avoid doing in making comparisons); but one that can be illuminating. Consider the surface of a lake, above which the sun is shining. If the surface of the lake is peaceful and tranquil, the sun will be reflected in this lake; and the more peaceful the lake, the more perfectly will it be reflected. If, on the contrary, the surface of the lake is agitated, undulating, then the image of the sun can not be reflected in it. It is a little bit like this with regard to our soul in relationship to God. The more our soul is peaceful and tranquil, the more God is reflected in it, the more His image expresses itself in us, the more His grace acts through us