Walking with Him/Ep2

This post is part of an extended 7 part Lenten series, involving meditations on the Stations of the Cross, as we walk towards Calvary with Jesus, step-by-step.

As heavy rain pounds outside my window, I recall how the first week of Lent has been. It has felt like I’ve been trudging from one day to another. There are times when I can feel a sense of detachment setting itself within my soul. There are also times when any “progress” I think I’ve made has been lost as I make a u-turn. Along the way, I’ve come across a beautiful quote by Saint Benedict which is to “prefer nothing to Christ”.

It reminds me of how my heart tends to chase that which may take me away from Christ and how a distracted heart is one marked with intense restlessness. I’ve tried to remain faithful in prayer but inevitably I sometimes struggle to say the words with conviction. For perhaps, just as in the Third Station, Jesus falls the first time, so do I as well. Sometimes I feel that I’m bearing such a heavy burden that I stumble and fall in a moment of weakness. The weight of our personal crosses can seem crushing as we struggle in the dirt. We feel like everything is going well. We are mapping out our path to Him and we have cleared the way of obstacles and blockages, yet here we are again, lying flat on the ground. It can seem like our power, our control has been taken away from us. We are left feeling so vulnerable when we encounter a moment of weakness. We have not been able to resist the lies of the evil one, we have allowed other influences to shape our perspective on ourselves. It is normal, indeed it is a part of this walk to Calvary with Him. For even our beloved Saviour was crushed temporarily under the weight on the Cross. It did not make us think of Him less. In fact, it made me love Him more! He showed me what it means to be human, to suffer from moments of weakness and that there is nothing wrong with falling. He drew me closer as I meditated on this station. He loves me too in my weakness and He understands when we feel overwhelmed by the pressures of life. He feels our pain and our exhaustion. Having struggled with the issue of fatigue for some time, I’ve been tempted to throw in the towel and to stop moving forward. It has been difficult for me to keep trudging forward. But when I think about Jesus, falling, but getting up again, with a renewed strength, I see hope for the way forward. He is holding my hand as I get up again, gently supporting me as I walk this long road, full of potholes and obstacles.

There is a beauty in this weakness, in this admission of needing to “rest” and to take stock of where one is. For in our weakness, we allow Him space to enter into our hearts and to renew our spirits. Indeed, I was deeply touched by a video by Fr Mark on the second week of Lent, as he reflects that “God is never surprised” by what we uncover in our hearts. He is not surprised when we fall or encounter sin, He knows us through and through and He does not desire to judge us harshly but to help us to return to Him again, slowly.

As Jesus gets up to trudge forward, He meets his mother in the Fourth Station. It is a beautiful and tender moment for mother and son. I can only imagine Mother Mary’s intense sorrow as she witnesses the pain and anguish Jesus is experiencing, for did the Prophet Simeon not harken “Thy soul also a soul shall pierce”? It reminds me of the deep love of our mothers for us as well. Sometimes, in adulthood, we may navigate difficult relationships with our mothers due to a divergence in opinion and a reversal of roles. Though difficult, this has been an area that I have fought for, sometimes, imperfectly. For even in our difficult moments, we know that our mothers are there when we need her. It may not be in the way we envision, or we may not feel the loving warmth of our mother’s embrace but inherently, there is a deep love that we cannot deny. When I reflect on my own life, I feel guilty for sometimes not acknowledging the worry and sorrow I have put my own mother through and wonder how Jesus felt. He must have felt pained as well, knowing His mother’s sorrow at seeing Him carrying His cross to Calvary.

The beautiful thing about this image is how Mother Mary follows Him not in silence “acceptance” but in an unwavering trust that Jesus was fulfilling His destiny as Our Saviour. She also experiences the human worry of our earthly mothers and feels anxious for her son. Yet, she also understands that He must walk this path to His death and resurrection and that all shall come to pass. Sometimes our mothers may not understand why we are going down certain paths and may want to protect us from pain, yet I realised that we learn the most, when we are allowed to be loved, sometimes from a distance. It is not easy sometimes to go back to the relationships closest to us and re-examine whether Jesus is front and centre. But He desires for us to return to these areas of brokenness and to find healing, for there is no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal.