Walking with Him/Ep4

This post is part of an extended 7 part Lenten series, involving meditations on the Stations of the Cross, as we walk towards Calvary with Jesus, step-by-step.

I’ve felt like I’ve been flagging this Lent and trying hard to get through this desert. It seems inescapable sometimes, yet I was reminded by the Abiding Together podcast, that “The only way is through” as advertised by the sports brand Under Armour. I’ve felt like I’ve been falling over and over again. I make a few steps forward and just as I feel secure, I fall again, back into my old patterns. I try to be a better daughter and friend but I fail, everyday. As I meditated on the 7th station, Jesus falls the second time, I felt a sense of despair. A despair over the smaller things as I compared my situation to those of others, wondering why I was in my current circumstance. Jesus, the Saviour Himself, stumbled a second time. He felt no shame but got up again and kept going. At this point in Lent, when I feel like giving up sometimes and to cast those resolutions to the wind, I decided to go on a Lenten fast from non-essential phone usage, for I realised I had grown attached to the device and what it represented. In this period of limited phone usage, have I lost anything? Yes, I’ve lost anxiety and a “need” to know what is going on. Have I gained anything? Yes, I’ve learned to listen instead to God’s voice, even when I fall along the way. There were a few moments when I had the urge to open up various apps on my phone, yet I resisted the urge. There were moments of weakness in this past week where I could feel myself surrendering to the lies of the evil one, to react negatively in self-protection, instead of abiding. Yet, it in this inner stillness of the heart, as emphasised by St John of the Cross that it is the inner stillness that heals, where He stretches our hearts to take the blows and to move within us. It is hard to fall time and time again, yet, there is no shame in weakness. He finds us in our weakness and moves us, but we must let Him! To be moved and to be “pursued” is an act of receptivity to His loving presence.

In the process of managing the many demands of life, I have the tendency to become less aware of the needs of those around me. The 8th Station, where Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem was poignant for me. I reflected on how often I had offered encouragement to the people around me, even when I myself was going through a tough time. I found it most difficult to find it within myself to still hold space for others when I was overwhelmed. Even when I feel like I may be at my limits and I feel I am being tested beyond my own capacity, I pray that He will give me the strength to keep going. I pray He will open my eyes to the needs of those around me, to be less centred on my own needs and my own struggles and to approach others with generosity of spirit. For Jesus Himself, bearing the heavy cross, stopped to comfort the women of Jerusalem. Perhaps we can take a leaf out of His example, and become more aware of the needs of those around us, to never be “too busy” or preoccupied with our own problems that we forget to care for others too. It is difficult for sure, as we tend to place our needs front and centre and sometimes forget that others need our prayers too. Perhaps then, the language of our prayers can change. Instead of praying for “our needs”, let us redirect our prayers to the needs of those closest to us, for isn’t the greatest act of love, a heartfelt prayer? Let us pray that He will expand and enlarge our hearts, beyond what we think is humanly possible, for He alone desires to come and live within us! Let Him break the walls of your heart, such that our capacity for love and generosity is boundless for we do not draw from our own limited wells, but the wellsprings of His eternal love.